Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
