I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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