You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
