Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
