sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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