It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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