I puked a lego.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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