I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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