somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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