sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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