"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
