I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
