New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
