I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My penis needs a shock collar
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
