sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
