I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I am in a vortex of obligation.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
