my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just pee around me
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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