These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
