Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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