New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
