your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
last night I used snow as a chaser
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
