we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
