it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
