Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
