Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
