well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Operation Purity has been aborted
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
