My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
