Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
