i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
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