i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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