Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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