Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I came so hard my ears popped.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
