umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
