It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
