Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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