my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
