I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Randomize
