just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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