There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
