Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
She bit a glass in half.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
