So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
