The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Randomize
