I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
