I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
