I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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