It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
