I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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