I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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