Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
