we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
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You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
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My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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