I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
