90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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