Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i love accidental penises.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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