I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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