There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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