you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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