mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
