Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
