Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
