My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
