I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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